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I am enough.

Finding my confidence.

I’ve been so crazy busy I haven’t even thought about being able to blog haha. I’ve been good though! Working on myself and my anxiety, everything was going really really well for a few weeks there! The only hiccup in the road was finding out that I got an interview for Physical Therapy, which is a masters program.

I know what you’re thinking… why is that a hiccup.. and it shouldn’t be, I know that. But the idea of the interview scares me so much that it is debilitating. When I think about it, or people bring it up to congratulate me, I freeze. Because you see it’s a MMI, a multiple mini interview, which basically means its an hour-2 hour long interview process, where you room from room to room, interviewer to interviewer. You have 2 minutes to read the question posted outside the room and formulate your answer, and you have 8 minutes to recite your answer/discussion with the interviewer. Sound easy? It’s not. Think about how long 8 minutes truly is, especially since you only have 2 darn minutes to think about what to say.

The fact that I made it to the interview means i’m within the top 30% of applicants. And only about 200 candidates get interviews from about a thousand. So I AM incredibly proud of myself, but I am so terrified for April 29th that my anxiety has been making me feel physically ill if I think about it.

So i’ve been trying to tell myself every day that even if it goes horrible, even if I can only talk about the question given for 2 minutes, that I will survive, and it will be one day, one hour, one blip in my life that won’t matter in 5 years. I just need to learn to let go.

So basically I have little under a month to find my confidence… wish me luck.

 

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Well shit.

Life has been hectic lately, I haven’t had much time for myself. I’ve been working out 4-5 times a week, sometimes twice a day, not eating enough on most days, trying to convince myself that i’m not harming myself, that it’s ok. As if I don’t know any better. I mean I am a kinesiology student.

But I look at my best friend who used to be the same size and shape as me and I constantly compare and contrast our bodies, because she has been looking amazing lately. And I think about my Dominican trip coming up, and my university graduation that I so desperately want to look good and feel confident about my body.

So the other day I made myself throw up. I was home alone and made mac and cheese for dinner, thinking it would just be a comfort food dinner because of how stressed I had been with school. But then I started thinking about the calories and the fat and how I already hate my body, so why am I eating crap like that. So for the first time i put my fingers down my throat and threw up everything I could.

The whole time I kept telling myself: just this once, you’ll only do it once. And I haven’t done it again but I was so ashamed of myself that when I looked at myself in the mirror, red faced and teary eyes, I was disgusted.

I can’t even find a way to tell my boyfriend because it would upset him so incredibly much and I can’t bear hurting him like that, he would be so worried.

Anyway, I don’t have much time before we leave for our trip so it’s not like i’m going to get this miraculous weight loss / transformation in a month. But that’s also not a good thing to realize, because more and more I find me trying to convince myself that I should be unhealthy, work myself too hard, eat next to nothing and workout twice a day, because it would be worth it when I look amazing in a bikini.. and i’m not quite sure how to stop myself..

I know I have to tell my boyfriend, or SOME ONE.. but I don’t know how..

Shame Spiral.

I had a midterm this morning at 8 am. The entire test I felt extremely confident, certain I absolutely nailed the exam. Every question I was confident about. Upon going over the exam I realized that on the last written calculation I had made STUPID little mistakes I SHOULD NOT have made and fucked up the entire question. By that point I had 5 minutes left in the exam, and I had taken up the entire sheet with my previous (but WRONG) answer. My anxiety went sky high, I felt like I was going to either throw up, or start crying, or both. I managed to calculate a new value, which i’m still certain is wrong, and write a very simplified answer in the TINY space I had left.

That question also happened to be worth the most of the entire exam. 6 marks down the drain. If I get 0/6 I’m already out of the A and A-, and thats assuming I got 100% on the rest of the exam, which, as confident as I was, I definitely did not achieve that.

This class has a lab component, which I never do extremely well in, so now the final exam is literally my only hope, and even so, I don’t think I can get a high enough grade that I pull myself out of this hole i’ve dug.

So i’m sitting here, knowing I have to focus on my lab in 35 minutes, and the quiz I have to write in that lab, because let’s face it, every single grade counts now that I’m such a fuck up.

But I can’t stop telling myself I hate myself, I’m a fuck up, I suck, and how could I be so F’ing STUPID.

I want to cry and it’s taking everything in me to hold the tears back but I feel like a failure and I just want to leave. I want to forget about this day and my aspirations and future and just sit in a dark room and cry.

At this moment, I hate myself.

Army wife.

My sister just got a call that her boyfriend is getting deployed in may for 6 months. He is in an Airborne division. He was also planning on proposing to my sister in June. I know she has to get used to it, as this is the life she is signing up for, but she is absolutely heartbroken and shocked and scared right now.. Hearing that news for the first time.. I can’t even imagine.

He is such an amazing guy and I just PRAY that he remains safe during his tour.. With her in Alberta and him in Tennessee it’s going to be extremely hard for them to see each other over the next 3 months before he leaves. Plus he has to cram all of his training for the mission.. (do you call it a mission?)

I wouldn’t be able to be an army wife and I have such respect for all the family and loved ones who have to go through this. I am worried for him and i’m just the future sister in law.

He is doing an amazing thing and he is finally able to act on what he is so passionate about, so for that I am extremely happy for him. He’s waited a long time to be apart of the U.S army, I just wish that there was some way for it to be easier on the people left behind, for my sister’s sake.

Romantic getaway fail.

So we weren’t able to go on our amazing romantic getaway to the west coast of BC. And I was hoping to make this week at home still special, but somehow I knew that it wouldn’t be a very big success. I feel like a controlling possessive girlfriend writing this post because i’m about to bitch about how we went from a week of uninterrupted “we” time turned into a 50:50 split between friends and family.. mostly on his part (I have no life lol..)

I know I can’t be upset about that because we ARE in town and there WILL be friends and family that want to see the both of us, but it is just so unbelievably disappointing when I felt like our relationship needed this week, and then to feel slightly on the back burner now that we are in town.

Himself and his family are extremely religious, one of the many things I love about him, and I do consider myself a Christian, although my parents decided to give up Christianity a long time ago. Anyway his parents are quite controlling, and for the best possible reason, but it gets to be so suffocating, they don’t seem to realize we are 21 years old, and need to make our own path in this world, with guidance yes, from both them and the Lord, but nevertheless WE need to decide on our own path. And now that we are in town they are pushing us to go stay up with my boyfriends bother and his wife rather than take an overnight trip to Canmore or Banff just to get away.

We will see what happens, I just need a night where we can be romantic together since we haven’t had that in so long.

Heartbreak.

My boyfriend and I have been planning a trip for this reading week since around October. On Vancouver Island in the new house my parents just bought. I had the entire week planned out and was excited to rekindle things with him and reconnect since we have been a little off pace the past few months.

We couldn’t make it because of the roads. I have been crying all day. I can’t explain why I am this upset but I am absolutely heart broken. I feel like the week we had to spend with each other and re connect and bring some fucking romance back into our relationship is over now, especially since now he’s making all these plans with his friends since we are in town for the week. So the full week we would have had to selfishly spend together has now been reduced to maybe 2.

My eyes are red and swollen and all I want to do is fall asleep. This may be such an irrational thing to be this upset about but that’s how things work. You can’t always make sense of what hits you hard.

Fit, beautiful, and happy.

The last few days were horrible. Yesterday morning I woke up and wanted to rip my body apart because I hated what I saw. And then I made the mistake of weighing myself and I hated myself even more. I am traveling to the Dominican Republic with a few friends in May and we will be in bathing suits 24/7 and ALL I want is to like the way I look. And I know that losing weight or getting lean shouldn’t affect that but it does.

I don’t want to compare my body to my girlfriend or other girls on the beach, or wonder if my boyfriend is secretly wishing I looked more like the fit girls strutting their stuff in bikinis on the beach.

I want to be comfortable sitting in a bikini knowing that I don’t look half bad. But I hate my body and every aspect of it.

And it gives me anxiety thinking about how LITTLE time I have to improve on it.. we leave in less than 3 months and with my hip it is tough to exercise at an intense level consistently. I had been doing so for the past month and then last week I could barely walk my hips were in so much agony. So all the progress I thought I MIGHT have made during that month was lost, or at least to me.

I just want to look like the girls I see walking around my faculty: fit, beautiful, and HAPPY.

Today was a good day.

So today was a good day. I didn’t have too much anxiety or irritability, and where I normally have multiple times throughout the day where I tell my self “Meghan you’re not good enough, you’re not smart enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, fit enough” I only caught myself in these shame spirals twice.

I find it really tough being in a faculty where we are known for our “tight bods” and the girls are sexualized and objectified. If you don’t have 15% body fat in KNES then you are put in this category of girls who nobody really knows why they are in the program.. ¬†at least that is how it feels.

Any time we do body circumference labs I find myself cringing at the thought of other males and females (7/10 times athletes) grabbing me where I don’t even let my boyfriend grab me, and reading off numbers like they somehow define me. I find it harmful and judgemental. And don’t get me wrong I don’t believe I am fat by any means. I am a healthy, completely average, 21 year old woman who is meant to have curves. So why can’t I be comfortable with myself? Why do I IDOLIZE these girls cluttering my instagram like Kayla Itsines and her entire fan-base.

I need to find out how to love myself, and STOP COMPARING MYSELF. I am so guilty of comparing myself to every girl I see, whether it be stranger, enemy, friend. I can’t help it.

Anyway this post was supposed to be about how I had a good day and here I go off on a tangent.. but that’s what this is for right, for me to figure out what triggers me and to put them into words.

I had one midterm today which went pretty well (I think), only one written question I wasn’t confident on but even then it will only be 4 marks off.. not bad. And tomorrow is my second final of the week.. the dreaded geophysics haha. I have no idea how my boyfriend was able to drag me into two geology courses.. (he is a geologist)..

Pain.

I think a lot of my anxiety stems from all the musculoskeletal injuries and conditions I’ve suffered with. I was born with bilateral pincer impingement in my hips, with associated labral tears. I know thats a mouthful haha. I just recently (7 months ago) underwent corrective surgery for my right hip which at the time had the most severe symptoms. I thought that I was recovering nicely, going through the motions, working my way to being 100% which i’ve NEVER been before. I was looking forward to FINALLY knowing what its like to not have pain when you walk/sit/stand/jump, you name it. But in the past month my hip health has gone so far downhill that i’m not sure if i’ll ever live without pain again. I have two midterms this week (monday and tuesday) and I can’t sit for long enough to study because my hamstrings seize, I get deep hip pain, and I have to stand and shake it off.

I just find it gets in the way of my daily living.. I mean i’ve just recently decided to get back on track with working out since my surgery and the moment I did, it was like my hip gave a big fuck you girl. It also makes sex sometimes quite uncomfortable and painful and I mean.. who wants that.. not me that’s for darn sure.

My boyfriend tells me I have to turn to God, that he has a plan for me and not to get discouraged. I try, I really do, I just feel like the past few years i’ve lost so much and it is one thing after the other that hits me. It’s hard not to lose some faith and courage in the midst of losing friends and family members at every turn, on top of dealing with health and body issues.

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