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I am enough.

Fit, beautiful, and happy.

The last few days were horrible. Yesterday morning I woke up and wanted to rip my body apart because I hated what I saw. And then I made the mistake of weighing myself and I hated myself even more. I am traveling to the Dominican Republic with a few friends in May and we will be in bathing suits 24/7 and ALL I want is to like the way I look. And I know that losing weight or getting lean shouldn’t affect that but it does.

I don’t want to compare my body to my girlfriend or other girls on the beach, or wonder if my boyfriend is secretly wishing I looked more like the fit girls strutting their stuff in bikinis on the beach.

I want to be comfortable sitting in a bikini knowing that I don’t look half bad. But I hate my body and every aspect of it.

And it gives me anxiety thinking about how LITTLE time I have to improve on it.. we leave in less than 3 months and with my hip it is tough to exercise at an intense level consistently. I had been doing so for the past month and then last week I could barely walk my hips were in so much agony. So all the progress I thought I MIGHT have made during that month was lost, or at least to me.

I just want to look like the girls I see walking around my faculty: fit, beautiful, and HAPPY.

Today was a good day.

So today was a good day. I didn’t have too much anxiety or irritability, and where I normally have multiple times throughout the day where I tell my self “Meghan you’re not good enough, you’re not smart enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, fit enough” I only caught myself in these shame spirals twice.

I find it really tough being in a faculty where we are known for our “tight bods” and the girls are sexualized and objectified. If you don’t have 15% body fat in KNES then you are put in this category of girls who nobody really knows why they are in the program..  at least that is how it feels.

Any time we do body circumference labs I find myself cringing at the thought of other males and females (7/10 times athletes) grabbing me where I don’t even let my boyfriend grab me, and reading off numbers like they somehow define me. I find it harmful and judgemental. And don’t get me wrong I don’t believe I am fat by any means. I am a healthy, completely average, 21 year old woman who is meant to have curves. So why can’t I be comfortable with myself? Why do I IDOLIZE these girls cluttering my instagram like Kayla Itsines and her entire fan-base.

I need to find out how to love myself, and STOP COMPARING MYSELF. I am so guilty of comparing myself to every girl I see, whether it be stranger, enemy, friend. I can’t help it.

Anyway this post was supposed to be about how I had a good day and here I go off on a tangent.. but that’s what this is for right, for me to figure out what triggers me and to put them into words.

I had one midterm today which went pretty well (I think), only one written question I wasn’t confident on but even then it will only be 4 marks off.. not bad. And tomorrow is my second final of the week.. the dreaded geophysics haha. I have no idea how my boyfriend was able to drag me into two geology courses.. (he is a geologist)..

Pain.

I think a lot of my anxiety stems from all the musculoskeletal injuries and conditions I’ve suffered with. I was born with bilateral pincer impingement in my hips, with associated labral tears. I know thats a mouthful haha. I just recently (7 months ago) underwent corrective surgery for my right hip which at the time had the most severe symptoms. I thought that I was recovering nicely, going through the motions, working my way to being 100% which i’ve NEVER been before. I was looking forward to FINALLY knowing what its like to not have pain when you walk/sit/stand/jump, you name it. But in the past month my hip health has gone so far downhill that i’m not sure if i’ll ever live without pain again. I have two midterms this week (monday and tuesday) and I can’t sit for long enough to study because my hamstrings seize, I get deep hip pain, and I have to stand and shake it off.

I just find it gets in the way of my daily living.. I mean i’ve just recently decided to get back on track with working out since my surgery and the moment I did, it was like my hip gave a big fuck you girl. It also makes sex sometimes quite uncomfortable and painful and I mean.. who wants that.. not me that’s for darn sure.

My boyfriend tells me I have to turn to God, that he has a plan for me and not to get discouraged. I try, I really do, I just feel like the past few years i’ve lost so much and it is one thing after the other that hits me. It’s hard not to lose some faith and courage in the midst of losing friends and family members at every turn, on top of dealing with health and body issues.

I am enough.

Not too sure how to begin this. I guess i’ve just decided to try everything in my power to help my anxiety. I’m a 21 year old Kinesiology Major just trying to make something of myself. I don’t know if this will reach anybody, but that’s ok. This is for me to let out my feelings and frustrations and anxieties as they come. An outlet. 

I’ve been struggling with some anxiety for the past 3 years now, but haven’t admitted to it until about 2 months ago. I thought it made me weak, or less accomplished, and yet another woman in my family who suffers from some sort of mental illness. You see my moms side of the family is filled with crazy out there, alcohol crazed, extroverted South Africans. My dad’s however, also South African, but absolutely riddled with mental illnesses. My aunts all suffered depression/anxiety/suicidal tendancies, you name it. My younger cousins have autism/Aspergers/PANDAS syndrome/ personality disorder, you name it. So in my immediate family it was always a joke about how we are the only “normal” kids in the family. It became a sense of pride for my parents to know that neither of their two daughters suffered any sort of mental illness. Whoops.. sorry mom and dad. I tried to bury it I really did.

I’m not entirely sure yet what triggers my anxiety. A lot of it comes from school; i’m in my last semester of my undergraduate, and waiting to here from masters programs. I’m a perfectionist and put a lot of pressure on myself. I’ve also never been comfortable in my own body and constantly pick apart aspects i don’t see as ‘good enough’.  

All I do know is that I constantly rip the fingers off my nail beds until they’re bleeding, I have tension migraines, tight shoulders/neck/chronic fatigue. I thought I could keep it all bottled up inside and it wouldn’t effect my life or relationships too much, but my relationship with my boyfriend has started to experience the hardships that comes along with anxiety, and I have parents praying for my mental wellbeing. Thats why i’ve decided enough is enough.

So I don’t have all the answers about my anxiety, I barely have any. All I know is that I want to figure it out. I want to figure out what triggers my shame spirals and negative feelings. And most of all I want to figure out what both I and people around me can do to help me. Because I’m sick of burying it and being ashamed of it. It’s a part of me and it’s time I accept that.

If I can help anybody in the process or if somebody can or wants to join me in trying to survive this then I will incredibly grateful and honoured. But if this is just for me too, then that is ok.

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