Life has been hectic lately, I haven’t had much time for myself. I’ve been working out 4-5 times a week, sometimes twice a day, not eating enough on most days, trying to convince myself that i’m not harming myself, that it’s ok. As if I don’t know any better. I mean I am a kinesiology student.
But I look at my best friend who used to be the same size and shape as me and I constantly compare and contrast our bodies, because she has been looking amazing lately. And I think about my Dominican trip coming up, and my university graduation that I so desperately want to look good and feel confident about my body.
So the other day I made myself throw up. I was home alone and made mac and cheese for dinner, thinking it would just be a comfort food dinner because of how stressed I had been with school. But then I started thinking about the calories and the fat and how I already hate my body, so why am I eating crap like that. So for the first time i put my fingers down my throat and threw up everything I could.
The whole time I kept telling myself: just this once, you’ll only do it once. And I haven’t done it again but I was so ashamed of myself that when I looked at myself in the mirror, red faced and teary eyes, I was disgusted.
I can’t even find a way to tell my boyfriend because it would upset him so incredibly much and I can’t bear hurting him like that, he would be so worried.
Anyway, I don’t have much time before we leave for our trip so it’s not like i’m going to get this miraculous weight loss / transformation in a month. But that’s also not a good thing to realize, because more and more I find me trying to convince myself that I should be unhealthy, work myself too hard, eat next to nothing and workout twice a day, because it would be worth it when I look amazing in a bikini.. and i’m not quite sure how to stop myself..
I know I have to tell my boyfriend, or SOME ONE.. but I don’t know how..