I had a midterm this morning at 8 am. The entire test I felt extremely confident, certain I absolutely nailed the exam. Every question I was confident about. Upon going over the exam I realized that on the last written calculation I had made STUPID little mistakes I SHOULD NOT have made and fucked up the entire question. By that point I had 5 minutes left in the exam, and I had taken up the entire sheet with my previous (but WRONG) answer. My anxiety went sky high, I felt like I was going to either throw up, or start crying, or both. I managed to calculate a new value, which i’m still certain is wrong, and write a very simplified answer in the TINY space I had left.

That question also happened to be worth the most of the entire exam. 6 marks down the drain. If I get 0/6 I’m already out of the A and A-, and thats assuming I got 100% on the rest of the exam, which, as confident as I was, I definitely did not achieve that.

This class has a lab component, which I never do extremely well in, so now the final exam is literally my only hope, and even so, I don’t think I can get a high enough grade that I pull myself out of this hole i’ve dug.

So i’m sitting here, knowing I have to focus on my lab in 35 minutes, and the quiz I have to write in that lab, because let’s face it, every single grade counts now that I’m such a fuck up.

But I can’t stop telling myself I hate myself, I’m a fuck up, I suck, and how could I be so F’ing STUPID.

I want to cry and it’s taking everything in me to hold the tears back but I feel like a failure and I just want to leave. I want to forget about this day and my aspirations and future and just sit in a dark room and cry.

At this moment, I hate myself.