The last few days were horrible. Yesterday morning I woke up and wanted to rip my body apart because I hated what I saw. And then I made the mistake of weighing myself and I hated myself even more. I am traveling to the Dominican Republic with a few friends in May and we will be in bathing suits 24/7 and ALL I want is to like the way I look. And I know that losing weight or getting lean shouldn’t affect that but it does.

I don’t want to compare my body to my girlfriend or other girls on the beach, or wonder if my boyfriend is secretly wishing I looked more like the fit girls strutting their stuff in bikinis on the beach.

I want to be comfortable sitting in a bikini knowing that I don’t look half bad. But I hate my body and every aspect of it.

And it gives me anxiety thinking about how LITTLE time I have to improve on it.. we leave in less than 3 months and with my hip it is tough to exercise at an intense level consistently. I had been doing so for the past month and then last week I could barely walk my hips were in so much agony. So all the progress I thought I MIGHT have made during that month was lost, or at least to me.

I just want to look like the girls I see walking around my faculty: fit, beautiful, and HAPPY.