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I am enough.

Is it me?

I thought this program would be different. I heard time and time again that it is such a close knit program, you make such great friends and you band together the entire 2.5 years you are with each other. I was told that I would make lifelong friends. I was told it would be the best 2.5 years of my life. I was told that I would make friends.

And I have made acquaintances. I know people and people know me. I’ve gone out to events, but I don’t have true friends. Not like the friends that I have back home. Friends that I can count on and trust with my life.

In undergrad I knew why I felt alone in my degree. I didn’t put myself out there. I didn’t actively pursue friendships, or go to events. But that all changed once I stated this program. I have gone out to practically every event, every group get together. So why do I feel like I don’t belong anywhere? Why do I feel like nobody would even notice if I just disappeared? Didn’t show up to class one day, would anybody even know? People don’t even see me. It’s like I don’t exist.

My entire support system is back home. I have nobody here. Nobody to turn to. Nobody to run to on a bad night, or during a high anxiety day. I wake up feeling alone. I go to sleep feeling alone.

So tell me, is it me? Is there something about me that push people away? Am I so uninteresting and invisible that nobody wants to give me a chance?

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Day in the life of a PT student

Well I’m here. I’ve been here for about 6 weeks now. The first four weeks was the most intensive and exhausting time I have ever experienced. It was basically our “anatomy month” where we learnt the anatomy in excruciating detail in 4 weeks. Two weeks for lower extremity including blood supply and nerve supply, and two weeks for upper extremity. Lets just say that I was starting to regret my choice of coming here.

But the normal semester has started and things seem to have slowed down for the time being.

I’ve been doing okay. I’ve been trying so hard to put myself out there and get to know people and turn up to all the events that are being held, which Is NOT me at all, I will isolate and seclude myself and keep my walls up. But i’ve been trying so damn hard which is why I don’t understand why I see all these groups forming around me, yet I don’t belong anywhere..

I am friends with individuals, I’ve met a ton of individuals, yet I don’t fit in to any of the groups. And in order for me to be happy here, I NEED what I had back home. I need a group of friends where we get together when we are free and do nothing but sit in a basement and talk about life, I need some girls I can call and say come to my place, I have wine. And I am terrified that I’m not going to find that here. Because it doesn’t seem like I will.

I’m not one of those girls that you see walk into a room and thing, “shit, I want to be her friend”.  I’m not particularly hot, I have a very average, if not below average body, and I am shy, and sometimes hard to get to know. So these girls in my PT class who have all the guys fawning over them already, and will invite everybody over to pre-drink, (except me it feels like), I don’t know how to be friends with them. Because they don’t see me. They don’t even know I exist.

I have had to add every single person in my class on facebook whom I have met. Not one person has met me and decided to add me on facebook. Not one. And I don’t know if it’s me, and people simply don’t like me, or if i’m doing something wrong, or not doing something all together that I should be.

It’s so tough to be away from my support system. Because i’m out here alone and I have nobody to call if i’m having a rough day and just have them come over. Everybody is 3 hours away and busy with their own lives.

Today was a rough day. I hope tomorrow is better.

Life changes.

I have TONS of news since the last time I wrote. Firstly, the interview was the scariest and most unsure thing I have ever done or experienced. I made myself physically ill for DAYS and convinced myself I actually had the flu.. THAT’S how sick I was. Once in the interview, I had 3 minutes to read the ‘station’ and prepare my answer, and then once the bell sounded you entered each room and presented your stance for 5 minutes. You repeated this 8 times. One of my fears, probably the biggest one, was that I would be finished my answer within the first.. 30 seconds, and sit there for the remainder of the time staring at the floor. Surprisingly this was not the case, I believe the longest I had to wait for the bell to sound was roughly 1 minute.. which is not to bad! The moment I walked out of the interview I felt 100% healthy again, and was finally able to eat a full meal after 48 hours of not being able to stomach anything.

Fast forward, I went to the Dominican Republic for 10 days with my boyfriend and a few friends, had an absolutely amazing time. Although the interview and the “future” was consistently in the back of my mind, I successfully (somewhat) packed that away and did not think too much about it until we landed in Toronto on our way back home! That’s when I got the email….

Saying “CONGRATULATIONS!” So there you have it, clearly I wasn’t too much of a blabbering mess because I got in! Not waitlisted, just fully accepted.

But that means I’m moving to Edmonton. Which is.. terrifying to say the least. I’ve never lived away from  home, and I’ve never lived away from my boyfriend. And Edmonton is a fucking shit hole.. like seriously.. sorry if any of you are from there… but their pot holes are honestly as deep as I am tall.. and their apartment buildings.. don’t even get me started. I was ready to cry and cancel my acceptance to the program after the 3rd building we looked a (a supposedly ‘nice’ one) had crooked floors and stained walls. It was a nightmare.

But anyway that’s my life in a nutshell right now. I start my program in August so I have a very short 2 month summer to cram everything into.. and spend with my boyfriend before we start long distance. Which is tough because he works 40 hours a week, and he coaches 2 baseball teams which take up all of his free time. So of the 2 months I have left, he is only in town for about 3 remaining weekends which is just.. great.

But I can’t complain, I just have to keep remembering that this is my dream. THIS is what I have been working towards for my entire life ultimately. And I have to remember to be proud of myself..

Crunch time.

So my interview is in 2 days. I’m heading up to Edmonton tomorrow afternoon.. and I am terrified. I want to cry when I think about it, and I don’t think I can do it. I will, because I have no choice, and I will be so relieved once its over with, but I am so terrified, this is the most stressful thing I think I have ever experienced in my life. At least it feels that way. I’m so terrified I am going to be tongue tied and have no idea what to say, but i’m just trying to tell myself that I need to go in there and see it as a conversation and just show them my thought process and that I CAN think. But I don’t know how I am going to get through this. Even the interactive based scenario like how tf am I supposed to “act” out this random fucking scene with a total stranger, pretending i’m going on a business meeting or some shit. Sometimes I wish I never applied to this stupid goddamn program in the first place, but I know that it is what I want to do, and always has been. I just wish that I can find the strength and the confidence within myself to get through this in one piece, and not start crying midway through then interview. Or worse yet, throw up during the interview..

 

UGH.

I am so fed up at this point in the semester. I have zero motivation at all, after about 15 minutes of studying I give up and reward myself with a 2 hour break. I haven’t worked out in over a week because i’ve been too busy with these darn exams. I have 4 full days left until i’m home free, well from school that is. Because after that I have my interview..

Which yep. Every time I mention it/ talk about it / think about it I want to disappear and crawl in a hole! so yep! Not really sure how I am going to survive next Saturday. Prayers would be appreciated.

Also turns out my ripping of my fingernails is diagnosable aha so thats been fun knowing.

I just want to make it through this week, this month. UGH.

Finding my confidence.

I’ve been so crazy busy I haven’t even thought about being able to blog haha. I’ve been good though! Working on myself and my anxiety, everything was going really really well for a few weeks there! The only hiccup in the road was finding out that I got an interview for Physical Therapy, which is a masters program.

I know what you’re thinking… why is that a hiccup.. and it shouldn’t be, I know that. But the idea of the interview scares me so much that it is debilitating. When I think about it, or people bring it up to congratulate me, I freeze. Because you see it’s a MMI, a multiple mini interview, which basically means its an hour-2 hour long interview process, where you room from room to room, interviewer to interviewer. You have 2 minutes to read the question posted outside the room and formulate your answer, and you have 8 minutes to recite your answer/discussion with the interviewer. Sound easy? It’s not. Think about how long 8 minutes truly is, especially since you only have 2 darn minutes to think about what to say.

The fact that I made it to the interview means i’m within the top 30% of applicants. And only about 200 candidates get interviews from about a thousand. So I AM incredibly proud of myself, but I am so terrified for April 29th that my anxiety has been making me feel physically ill if I think about it.

So i’ve been trying to tell myself every day that even if it goes horrible, even if I can only talk about the question given for 2 minutes, that I will survive, and it will be one day, one hour, one blip in my life that won’t matter in 5 years. I just need to learn to let go.

So basically I have little under a month to find my confidence… wish me luck.

 

Well shit.

Life has been hectic lately, I haven’t had much time for myself. I’ve been working out 4-5 times a week, sometimes twice a day, not eating enough on most days, trying to convince myself that i’m not harming myself, that it’s ok. As if I don’t know any better. I mean I am a kinesiology student.

But I look at my best friend who used to be the same size and shape as me and I constantly compare and contrast our bodies, because she has been looking amazing lately. And I think about my Dominican trip coming up, and my university graduation that I so desperately want to look good and feel confident about my body.

So the other day I made myself throw up. I was home alone and made mac and cheese for dinner, thinking it would just be a comfort food dinner because of how stressed I had been with school. But then I started thinking about the calories and the fat and how I already hate my body, so why am I eating crap like that. So for the first time i put my fingers down my throat and threw up everything I could.

The whole time I kept telling myself: just this once, you’ll only do it once. And I haven’t done it again but I was so ashamed of myself that when I looked at myself in the mirror, red faced and teary eyes, I was disgusted.

I can’t even find a way to tell my boyfriend because it would upset him so incredibly much and I can’t bear hurting him like that, he would be so worried.

Anyway, I don’t have much time before we leave for our trip so it’s not like i’m going to get this miraculous weight loss / transformation in a month. But that’s also not a good thing to realize, because more and more I find me trying to convince myself that I should be unhealthy, work myself too hard, eat next to nothing and workout twice a day, because it would be worth it when I look amazing in a bikini.. and i’m not quite sure how to stop myself..

I know I have to tell my boyfriend, or SOME ONE.. but I don’t know how..

Shame Spiral.

I had a midterm this morning at 8 am. The entire test I felt extremely confident, certain I absolutely nailed the exam. Every question I was confident about. Upon going over the exam I realized that on the last written calculation I had made STUPID little mistakes I SHOULD NOT have made and fucked up the entire question. By that point I had 5 minutes left in the exam, and I had taken up the entire sheet with my previous (but WRONG) answer. My anxiety went sky high, I felt like I was going to either throw up, or start crying, or both. I managed to calculate a new value, which i’m still certain is wrong, and write a very simplified answer in the TINY space I had left.

That question also happened to be worth the most of the entire exam. 6 marks down the drain. If I get 0/6 I’m already out of the A and A-, and thats assuming I got 100% on the rest of the exam, which, as confident as I was, I definitely did not achieve that.

This class has a lab component, which I never do extremely well in, so now the final exam is literally my only hope, and even so, I don’t think I can get a high enough grade that I pull myself out of this hole i’ve dug.

So i’m sitting here, knowing I have to focus on my lab in 35 minutes, and the quiz I have to write in that lab, because let’s face it, every single grade counts now that I’m such a fuck up.

But I can’t stop telling myself I hate myself, I’m a fuck up, I suck, and how could I be so F’ing STUPID.

I want to cry and it’s taking everything in me to hold the tears back but I feel like a failure and I just want to leave. I want to forget about this day and my aspirations and future and just sit in a dark room and cry.

At this moment, I hate myself.

Army wife.

My sister just got a call that her boyfriend is getting deployed in may for 6 months. He is in an Airborne division. He was also planning on proposing to my sister in June. I know she has to get used to it, as this is the life she is signing up for, but she is absolutely heartbroken and shocked and scared right now.. Hearing that news for the first time.. I can’t even imagine.

He is such an amazing guy and I just PRAY that he remains safe during his tour.. With her in Alberta and him in Tennessee it’s going to be extremely hard for them to see each other over the next 3 months before he leaves. Plus he has to cram all of his training for the mission.. (do you call it a mission?)

I wouldn’t be able to be an army wife and I have such respect for all the family and loved ones who have to go through this. I am worried for him and i’m just the future sister in law.

He is doing an amazing thing and he is finally able to act on what he is so passionate about, so for that I am extremely happy for him. He’s waited a long time to be apart of the U.S army, I just wish that there was some way for it to be easier on the people left behind, for my sister’s sake.

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