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I am enough.

Block one.

Well my first block of physical therapy is finished. I am one semester closer to being a physical therapist. Which is crazy. But it feels good. Some of the exams were extremely difficult and I wasn’t quite sure how well I did, but I got pretty well straight A’s which is a nice surprise.

The fact that I am 6 months into the program already is crazy to me. 2 years left to go and if this next semester goes by as quickly as the last one then it will be August before I know it. Which makes me extremely anxious and extremely happy at the same time.

I hate my life in Edmonton, I’m not happy there, It’s not my home. So I want to be finished this program as quickly as possible. But on the other hand I have no idea where i’ll be in 2 years, where Brendan will be, or where my life will take me, which is terrifying.

I guess I just have to keep chugging along and taking one week at a time and i’ll get there eventually. Hopefully intact. I just wish I were a stronger person. I wish I could make Edmonton my new home and embrace my new life. I wish I could embrace CHANGE in general, and be confident in myself and my ability to flourish under any circumstance.

I wish I could go into block 2 confident that I will do well, that I can tackle practical exams with more confidence and ease. But I’m me and that will never happen. I need to book counselling for when i’m back and I need to make it a priority. I need to hold myself to that promise and not break it for the millionth time.

 

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Insecurities.

I’ve always been haunted by my insecurities. I was the first in my class to hit puberty. Which meant my breasts were the first to show, I sprouted acne before everybody else, and my African roots made themselves known when I started growing body hair. After that my world was filled with magazines and blogs and websites of girls needing to be thin and tone in order to be considered beautiful. Wanted. And along with all of this, I was always comparing myself to be beautiful sister. My sister is the type of girl that people are simply drawn to, she has an infectious laugh, a caring personality, and she is beautiful. So growing up all of our mutual guy friends would give all their attention to her.

Fast forward to high school and I have this best friend Tasha. And Tasha is this blonde absolute bombshell. And she is a girl that I can’t believe is friends with me, a girl I was lucky to call my friend. So lucky that it seemed like every male in our high school would approach me asking if she was single, if she was interested, if I could put in a good word.

Fast forward to university. When I meet my boyfriend, but he has in the meantime seen a picture of Tasha, and wants me to set him up with her.

Fast forward 1 year and we are dating.

So if you can’t put together the pieces of why I have insecurities then maybe give this another read. I second guess myself at every turn, I am continually telling myself to be better, look better, love better. And I am continually convincing myself that I’m failing.

Fast forward 3 years and Brendan is applying for geology positions in an economy that has ZERO geology positions available. Over the past two weeks I have been involved in over 10 conversations asking him “where he is going to end up” and “where is he going to work” with his answer without fail being “I will get a job wherever I can find one”.

Fair enough. Times are tough, he needs work. But after being in a relationship for 3 years, you would think I should maybe be more of a factor? With my degree, there are many places in the world that would be open for me to work in, but there are also places where my education would not be recognized. And I can not justify giving up 6 years of education; both a bachelors degree and a masters degree, to follow him to a part of the world where I can not put my education to use.

So some consideration for “where he is going to end up” would be a pretty major gesture. Unless he doesn’t expect to end up with ME.

And there I go on a downward spiral.

HBD to me.

It was my 22nd birthday today. I spent it alone. And the only people I heard from were my parents, Brendan, Emily, and my sister. My parents didn’t call me, my grandparents didn’t call me, my family in SA didn’t call or even message me. My friends didn’t message me. Nobody posted anything. It was like it never even happened. It was like hardly anybody even cared.

It’s like I moved to Edmonton and don’t matter anymore.

Homesick.

I go through periods of good and periods of bad. There are days where it feels normal, like i’ve started to settle in and know exactly what to expect out of my day. And even though it doesn’t feel like home, and it doesn’t feel like I have anybody here, it feels like I can survive it. And then there are the times where it feels like my whole world is crashing down around me, like i’ve never felt so lonely as I do living here, and have no idea how I am going to do this for the next 2.5 years. Those days happen more often than I would like. I’ve made friends, met people, started to feel more comfortable, but I never feel like myself. I feel like i’m the perfect version of myself, and nobody has seen the real me yet, and that is the most exhausting thing. To have to pretend to be a version of yourself that you know is not entirely accurate, not entirely you, but being too scared to show the real you.

I wake up each morning alone, I go to sleep each night alone. I was studying tonight, because on top of everything else, my program is exhausting, draining, and disheartening, and all the while I wanted to call up a girlfriend, or my boyfriend, and tell them to come over so we could order pizza and crack a bottle of wine. But I have nobody to call, everybody in my phone lives 3 hours away.

I want my mom. I want my dad. I want the people who make me feel like myself, and make me feel safe.

I want home.

Is it me?

I thought this program would be different. I heard time and time again that it is such a close knit program, you make such great friends and you band together the entire 2.5 years you are with each other. I was told that I would make lifelong friends. I was told it would be the best 2.5 years of my life. I was told that I would make friends.

And I have made acquaintances. I know people and people know me. I’ve gone out to events, but I don’t have true friends. Not like the friends that I have back home. Friends that I can count on and trust with my life.

In undergrad I knew why I felt alone in my degree. I didn’t put myself out there. I didn’t actively pursue friendships, or go to events. But that all changed once I stated this program. I have gone out to practically every event, every group get together. So why do I feel like I don’t belong anywhere? Why do I feel like nobody would even notice if I just disappeared? Didn’t show up to class one day, would anybody even know? People don’t even see me. It’s like I don’t exist.

My entire support system is back home. I have nobody here. Nobody to turn to. Nobody to run to on a bad night, or during a high anxiety day. I wake up feeling alone. I go to sleep feeling alone.

So tell me, is it me? Is there something about me that push people away? Am I so uninteresting and invisible that nobody wants to give me a chance?

Day in the life of a PT student

Well I’m here. I’ve been here for about 6 weeks now. The first four weeks was the most intensive and exhausting time I have ever experienced. It was basically our “anatomy month” where we learnt the anatomy in excruciating detail in 4 weeks. Two weeks for lower extremity including blood supply and nerve supply, and two weeks for upper extremity. Lets just say that I was starting to regret my choice of coming here.

But the normal semester has started and things seem to have slowed down for the time being.

I’ve been doing okay. I’ve been trying so hard to put myself out there and get to know people and turn up to all the events that are being held, which Is NOT me at all, I will isolate and seclude myself and keep my walls up. But i’ve been trying so damn hard which is why I don’t understand why I see all these groups forming around me, yet I don’t belong anywhere..

I am friends with individuals, I’ve met a ton of individuals, yet I don’t fit in to any of the groups. And in order for me to be happy here, I NEED what I had back home. I need a group of friends where we get together when we are free and do nothing but sit in a basement and talk about life, I need some girls I can call and say come to my place, I have wine. And I am terrified that I’m not going to find that here. Because it doesn’t seem like I will.

I’m not one of those girls that you see walk into a room and thing, “shit, I want to be her friend”.  I’m not particularly hot, I have a very average, if not below average body, and I am shy, and sometimes hard to get to know. So these girls in my PT class who have all the guys fawning over them already, and will invite everybody over to pre-drink, (except me it feels like), I don’t know how to be friends with them. Because they don’t see me. They don’t even know I exist.

I have had to add every single person in my class on facebook whom I have met. Not one person has met me and decided to add me on facebook. Not one. And I don’t know if it’s me, and people simply don’t like me, or if i’m doing something wrong, or not doing something all together that I should be.

It’s so tough to be away from my support system. Because i’m out here alone and I have nobody to call if i’m having a rough day and just have them come over. Everybody is 3 hours away and busy with their own lives.

Today was a rough day. I hope tomorrow is better.

Life changes.

I have TONS of news since the last time I wrote. Firstly, the interview was the scariest and most unsure thing I have ever done or experienced. I made myself physically ill for DAYS and convinced myself I actually had the flu.. THAT’S how sick I was. Once in the interview, I had 3 minutes to read the ‘station’ and prepare my answer, and then once the bell sounded you entered each room and presented your stance for 5 minutes. You repeated this 8 times. One of my fears, probably the biggest one, was that I would be finished my answer within the first.. 30 seconds, and sit there for the remainder of the time staring at the floor. Surprisingly this was not the case, I believe the longest I had to wait for the bell to sound was roughly 1 minute.. which is not to bad! The moment I walked out of the interview I felt 100% healthy again, and was finally able to eat a full meal after 48 hours of not being able to stomach anything.

Fast forward, I went to the Dominican Republic for 10 days with my boyfriend and a few friends, had an absolutely amazing time. Although the interview and the “future” was consistently in the back of my mind, I successfully (somewhat) packed that away and did not think too much about it until we landed in Toronto on our way back home! That’s when I got the email….

Saying “CONGRATULATIONS!” So there you have it, clearly I wasn’t too much of a blabbering mess because I got in! Not waitlisted, just fully accepted.

But that means I’m moving to Edmonton. Which is.. terrifying to say the least. I’ve never lived away from  home, and I’ve never lived away from my boyfriend. And Edmonton is a fucking shit hole.. like seriously.. sorry if any of you are from there… but their pot holes are honestly as deep as I am tall.. and their apartment buildings.. don’t even get me started. I was ready to cry and cancel my acceptance to the program after the 3rd building we looked a (a supposedly ‘nice’ one) had crooked floors and stained walls. It was a nightmare.

But anyway that’s my life in a nutshell right now. I start my program in August so I have a very short 2 month summer to cram everything into.. and spend with my boyfriend before we start long distance. Which is tough because he works 40 hours a week, and he coaches 2 baseball teams which take up all of his free time. So of the 2 months I have left, he is only in town for about 3 remaining weekends which is just.. great.

But I can’t complain, I just have to keep remembering that this is my dream. THIS is what I have been working towards for my entire life ultimately. And I have to remember to be proud of myself..

Crunch time.

So my interview is in 2 days. I’m heading up to Edmonton tomorrow afternoon.. and I am terrified. I want to cry when I think about it, and I don’t think I can do it. I will, because I have no choice, and I will be so relieved once its over with, but I am so terrified, this is the most stressful thing I think I have ever experienced in my life. At least it feels that way. I’m so terrified I am going to be tongue tied and have no idea what to say, but i’m just trying to tell myself that I need to go in there and see it as a conversation and just show them my thought process and that I CAN think. But I don’t know how I am going to get through this. Even the interactive based scenario like how tf am I supposed to “act” out this random fucking scene with a total stranger, pretending i’m going on a business meeting or some shit. Sometimes I wish I never applied to this stupid goddamn program in the first place, but I know that it is what I want to do, and always has been. I just wish that I can find the strength and the confidence within myself to get through this in one piece, and not start crying midway through then interview. Or worse yet, throw up during the interview..

 

UGH.

I am so fed up at this point in the semester. I have zero motivation at all, after about 15 minutes of studying I give up and reward myself with a 2 hour break. I haven’t worked out in over a week because i’ve been too busy with these darn exams. I have 4 full days left until i’m home free, well from school that is. Because after that I have my interview..

Which yep. Every time I mention it/ talk about it / think about it I want to disappear and crawl in a hole! so yep! Not really sure how I am going to survive next Saturday. Prayers would be appreciated.

Also turns out my ripping of my fingernails is diagnosable aha so thats been fun knowing.

I just want to make it through this week, this month. UGH.

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