I thought this program would be different. I heard time and time again that it is such a close knit program, you make such great friends and you band together the entire 2.5 years you are with each other. I was told that I would make lifelong friends. I was told it would be the best 2.5 years of my life. I was told that I would make friends.
And I have made acquaintances. I know people and people know me. I’ve gone out to events, but I don’t have true friends. Not like the friends that I have back home. Friends that I can count on and trust with my life.
In undergrad I knew why I felt alone in my degree. I didn’t put myself out there. I didn’t actively pursue friendships, or go to events. But that all changed once I stated this program. I have gone out to practically every event, every group get together. So why do I feel like I don’t belong anywhere? Why do I feel like nobody would even notice if I just disappeared? Didn’t show up to class one day, would anybody even know? People don’t even see me. It’s like I don’t exist.
My entire support system is back home. I have nobody here. Nobody to turn to. Nobody to run to on a bad night, or during a high anxiety day. I wake up feeling alone. I go to sleep feeling alone.
So tell me, is it me? Is there something about me that push people away? Am I so uninteresting and invisible that nobody wants to give me a chance?